so today i had another crying session on the way to school. im getting heart broken just thinking about it.
i was talking to karen. she's very helpful in digging out the feelings i have burried deep in my chest.
i hate feeling towards the sticky situation of my relationship with my mom. its always deep in my mind and weighs heavy in my heart.
im able to function daily as a productive student, avid blogger, constant thinking, requent writter, and hopefully a good enough friend to those i've grown fond of.
the thing that is eating me inside if that i constantly feel like i need to hold myself accountable for how i've acted in the past. i feel like a bad daughter. i don't love my mother enough and i dont contact her enough. i feel like my internal struggle with her will be going on for a long time.
my dad sees my mother in me when we have a disagreement which only makes it more difficult.
i'm trying to escape my attachment from her.
it's a constant battle.
im trying to live apart from her but everyone still attaches me to her. it hasn't been long.
but i hate that this is something that comes up over and over and over and over again.
the chee family seems to feel quite comfortable to still hold me accountable for my bad behavior when i was a teenager, not that it was SO long ago, but i've evolved from it. and im still trying to evolve from that state of mind.
but being the neurotic internal thinker that i am, i become tormented by comments and it plays over and over and over and over again in my head and i becomed consumed by those thoughts and comments.
about a week ago my dad and i were talking and he said im too emotional cuz i was crying. and although im a very emotional person. i felt worse that i had to defend myself, but i did. i told him its so hard for me to open up and say how i feel about something at that moment, which isnt something that im use to doing, but something he expects me to do.
although i want to and am trying to, its difficult because it's not normal for that to come out of me and for that to be expected of me. but im trying and me trying and being able to is emotional in itself because its an internal battle. i've trying to breakdown those walls. its a struggle, but i do it because i need to be that person that doesn't have a difficult time talking about my feelings.
i was never able to, asked to, allowed to share my feelings. that's just not part of the asian culture that i grew into.
in their eyes im just a disobidient girl.
in my head im trying to be a respectable woman who's honest with herself and others.
writting, even if it is to nobody, is healing because im not a hugely vocal person.
i feel like it is necissary to display myself and have my abdomon torn open and my organs shown because even if nobody stops to see whats going on, it makes me feel human. it displays that i am just human.
i dont want to be a volcano that errupts only after so much pressure and time has built up.
i wish i could stop at least one day in the week and not pile on activities to keep me distracted and just deal with what is going on. i try to cover my intimate thoughts with noise.
i feel like its a sick dream because when i do that i become a tormented person who becomes ill within her own thoughts.
the distractions. the full time student who has a heavy role in the christian club and has become a member of the honor society to keep me on my toes. and has to be careful because i have two sisters who watch what i do. and have to be the adament babysitter for my sisters. and have to create open communication with my father. who has to try and be the daughter i want to be to my mother who im still mad at. who wants to be a good citizen and help others and be faithful in my walk with God. Who wants to major in nursing with a minor in spanish and become a writer and create a book sometime before i lay in ultimate rest.
those are the distractions that keeps my mind, my heart, my sanity occupied so that i dont have to constantly torment myself with my relationship with my mom. whenever i do i break down and cry.
i cant even keep track of how many times i've gotten out of the car, walking to class with tears in my eyes and in my heart.
its sometimes feels completely overwhelming.
within all of this mess... im basically happy. and completely capable.
